Caution: I'm mad and men suck

The Bitter Bus tends to follow me everywhere I go. But it only honks it's horn and flashes it's brights when it comes to men. Or I should say boys, because the males that I tend to go out with or have an interest in sooner rather than later will revert back to junior high levels of interaction. They don't call when they say they will, they tell you nice things and then they're actions don't go along with the words. Or you call, text, email, whatever, and nothing.

Seriously, the other half of our species... well I can't really put into words how irritating I think they are.

I dated one guy last year for 3 weeks, and for 2 of those weeks he was seeing someone else. I had 4 dates in one week with another guy last spring and we were like peanut butter and jelly. We just fit. And then nothing. He stopped calling, would return my calls, just fell off the face of the planet. I went on one date this fall with what appeared to be a great guy, we hit it off. And a few days later we're on the phone, he's saying things like "Lets try this dating thing. You call me, I'll call you, lets see where this can go." And I haven't heard from him since.

And I'm not even going to bring up the reason I moved to NM and the reason I moved back home.

And you know whats worse than all of this?! I am still attracted to them! And that bugs me even more!

I met a boy last week at a bar, he drove me home and was a gentleman and dropped me at my door. Saying that he'd like to see me again. Last Friday I get a text (and don't get me started on the texting. Be a man and pick up the phone!) saying this weekend he'd like us to get together. And nothing. It's been 6 days, I've lost hope that he'll call. I'd call him but everyone I talk too, everything I read says that if the boy wants to see you again, he'll find a way to do so. Not that I should sit on my ass and wait like a lame-o. But from my past experiences, when I call and they don't return it, they are not interested.

Why do they say the things they do and act all sweet and interested just to lift us up and watch us come crashing back down? I don't get it. When I'm not interested, I say so. One because it's the right thing to do, and two because when it's not said to me I'm left with all these questions and anger.

I'm nearly convinced that all the good ones are gay, taken, or boring.

Not much but something

My last post was a week ago. And I have nothing exciting to report. I hate that. It is January, it is cold out, and everyones lives seem to come to a near stand-still when it is winter. I do feel like I have done nothing but work and see friends since Christmas. I guess that isn't so bad.

There have been a lot of happy hours with friends. Christmas was very quiet with my mom on pain killers for her knee surgery and me on a big bottle of white wine. New years was filled with laughter with girlfriends and a few drinks. Last Monday I met some girlfriends from high school for our monthly happy hour. Then on Tuesday I went out to meet some old friends from my camp counseling days. Then on Friday I went to dinner with my mom to a family friend's house. Then on Sunday night I went to an inpromptu dinner with some girlfriends from college. And I'm hopefully doing something fun and new this weekend.

I guess I have had some things to write about. Just been to busy doing said things to sit down and write about it.

Speaking of writing... I'm on my last assignment for my class. A-woo-hoo!! I'm so very excited. This last piece is on accomplishing your goals, what stands in your way, and keeping a positive outlook on your dreams. Seems a fitting end to something I set out to do all on my own.

I have a framed postcard next to my desk that simply says "WRITE READ" which is a daily reminder to do so. It came in the mail from a place in town called The Loft, which helps writers do what they do. Write.

And on that note, I think I'll go do just that. Write. You, you should go do something you love too!

Awesome!

I just found this little photographic gem while clicking through blogs. Hilariously awesome!
Click here, trust me. You won't be disappointed!

Don't they usually charge you for stuff like this?

So the neighbor hating has come to a whole new level.

Nutty the Neighbor across the way I think has been building a fort in the last week or so. For several days I heard her banging away in her place. Like the sounds one hears when someone is hammering in a nail - "bangbangbangbang" silence for a moment or few, then "bangbangbangbang" again. For an unaccounted amount of time. But surely enough for me to think "What's she doing?" And there has been an armoire in the hallway, along with a chair, and now that chair has another chair keeping it company. Taking what I know of her and her thinking that the bad thoughts are coming into her apartment and also hearing her stand in the hallway and say the Miranda Rights to everyone in the building, I think she's building a fort. Would make sense, in her nonsense world.

But lately I'll take 5 Nuttys in comparison to the Stipper above me. I hate her. Her, the New York Yankees and Sarah Palin. And that's it. And you have to be pretty bad to get in the same category as Sarah Palin. That is some serious hate.

I was woken up by her, yes AGAIN, on New Years morning. She was having sex. And I didn't hear bed springs or furniture moving or some Marvin Gaye playing. I heard her. Think Sally from When Harry Met Sally, that scene where she fakes an orgasm in the restaurant. Seriously, if you haven't seen it do so, it's classic. And the Stripper goes on and on for 15 to 20 minutes. Constant screaming.

And (sorry Family, but) I've had good sex and nothing is that good. When things are that good, there are no words. Silence is golden. I understand that you may want to moan to the world about how great it is, but a moan or three. Not 15 minutes, like I got to listen to. I've also wanted to scream but tend to have lived where others are around and know to keep my mouth shut. Or who knows what others would be blogging about me!

At least she could jazz it up for me. Throw in some dirty words, some action phrases, some nick names, give me something worth listening to. Instead I just get the standard "Oh yes, oh god yes yes yes." Bla bla bla. I think she has taken too many cues from bad porn videos. And I think she's faking it.

So as a reaction to Sreamy Von SexStar above me, I decided to tell her. Thanks to some advice from my mom and a friend from my building. I thought her note over so much that I remember exactly what I wrote.

"So, not only can I hear your music and your continuous pacing in heels. But now I can hear you having sex. Not the action, you. Every single word. (those 3 were underlined) Once again, can you please keep it down? Thank you, Your Downstairs Neighbor"

And I slid the note under her door. The next day she was silent. I have heard her since, but not nearly at any volume she was at before. I'm hoping that the embarrassing fact I heard her is enough to make her think twice about screaming during sex. Knowing what I know of her, she will never look me in the face again.

And believe me, if I am woken up by her nasty porn fake screams again, I will go up and bang on her door, mid-coitus, and bust up that heart-break hotel she is living in.

Not resolutions, ways to better myself

So last post was closing 2009. Then rightfully so this one should be opening 2010. Wow. 2010. That is weird.

I don't make resolutions like "I'm going to eat healthy" or "I'm going to loose 20 pounds" Or "I'm going to start running" One, I like to eat so I don't diet. I eat what I want and when I want, I'm just lucky that much of what I want is relatively good for me. And two, I don't think anyone should run unless being chased with a knife. I hate running. I'll walk till the day is done, but you want me to run? No thanks, I'll catch up with you later.

But I do have some new goals for the start of the year. And they are as follows...

I am going to volunteer. I'd like to volunteer at the Animal Humane Society but the bus doesn't conveniently get out there. And I have a hunch that I would come home with more animals than my little studio or my building's management would approve of. So I've been looking on line at hospitals and I'm going to try volunteering at Children's Hospital. I think it's good to donate ones time to help others, and I've been meaning to volunteer for years. This is the year that I make it happen.

I tend not to cook all that often. I also don't go out to eat too often either. If I don't have money to go out to eat, I generally don't have money to buy food for home either. I make do with what I have. But I've never been a big cook. That is going to change this year. I have all these pots/pans/dishes and I got a crockpot for Christmas this year. So I am making myself learn to enjoy cooking. That has been my issue the last year, it's no fun to cook for myself. I think I just need to change my attitude about it. Me and cooking in my teeny kitchen are going to become BFFs.

I'm going to budget my money even more than I did so last year. In years past I have gotten into a few financial woes and have learned some hard lessons. But I want to get a savings going outside of my 401 from work. So perhaps some time down the road, I don't have to literally live paycheck to paycheck.

And that is it. For now. Nothing about changing my body image, just about growing and becoming better than I am today.

The end of a beginning

This time last year I was gearing up for expecting 2009 to be my best year yet. And now with it coming to a close, I am quite pleased with how it turned out.

MY 2009 IN REVIEW - in no particular order

I have come leaps and bounds in my position at work and can only hope to keep going. I wouldn't wish anyone to come into a retail management position at the start of the holidays. SUCKS. But I made it through last holiday by the skin of my teeth, and this holiday season was a cakewalk. Partly due to my awesome crew, but also because I understand my business. I am quite proud of myself, work-wise. And hope to keep it up.

I moved into my first place that is all mine. No roommates, no boyfriend, no mom, just me. And it's wonderful. My first night in my apartment, my mom went back to her house when I couldn't find anything for her to put away or unpack. And I panicked. I left the place and walked outside, just to take a look around. I discovered my neighborhood liquor store, bought a 12 pack of Premium, came back home, put on some Dave Matthews and then I felt at home. With all the pissing and moaning I do about my crazy neighbors, I really do love my place.

I reconnected with wonderful old friends and made some great new ones. Friendship is so crucial in a well-lived life. Some times it's hard to find the words to voice how much my memories and the connection I share with others means to me. It just does. When you can call up someone in tears because boys suck or you can share a laugh over a fall in a bar and your friends still love you, that is priceless.

My mom has been such a solid stable rock in this year of transition for me. I really can not thank her enough. She got me home in more ways than one, the gave me so many gifts literally and figuratively over the last year. I value her and her heart so much. Once again, words some times just can't express the amount of gratefulness inside.

I dated. I had forgotten how fun it was to go out on dates. If I can ignore the fact that the few boys that I felt I had a connection with dropped me like moldy cheese, I have had a grand time. Being taken out to dinner, laughing over beer, being told I'm cute and amazing has been great. Even though my friends have surly heard me toot my "boys are dumb" horn plenty of times over the last 12 months, the good out weighs the bad.

I think I've really found my writing nitch. I think my voice on paper is pretty close to my actual voice. I tend to write the way I talk. I have made it nearly all the way through this writing class (one assignment left,) which I started all on my own. I have sent out one piece and gotten a rejection letter. Someone read my stuff. I think I can call myself a writer. Among other things.

I think I've grown more into myself in the last 12 months than I have in the last 2-3 years. Breaking up, moving home, getting my own place, and taking total charge of me and my wants, needs and desires has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Thanks Me. I highly recommend this to anyone.

Stay tuned for my goals for 2010!

Thank you Lady, for THAT.

So I took my mother into the hospital today for a partial knee replacement. All is well. Everything went according to plan and she is resting at the hospital tonight. I have been up since 5, I closed my store, it's after 11pm, I'm tired and I'm still up. If tomorrow sucks I have only myself to blame. And for not doing much until 3 today, I'm exhausted. It amazes me how tired one gets when you do nothing.

In the case of loved ones being in a hospital, no news is good news. So this post is not about my mother's stay. She is hunky-dory. (What exactly does that phrase mean, anyway? Well, I googled it.)

This post is about an encounter I had with a woman in the waiting area. It was after 9, I had gone to McDonald's for some greasy breakfast after mom had gone into the OR. And I was back in the family waiting room. The woman across from me was on her phone. And not just one her phone, ON HER PHONE! And she was COMPLAINING ABOUT EVERYTHING WHILE ON HER PHONE! Sheesh, Lady, you're at a 12. Can you keep your negativity at a 2? Thanks.

So I moved. And happened to sit in the same cluster of chairs as two older women. From listening to their chatter, they were both old enough to be my mother, had kids and grandkids, but I never caught who they were in there waiting for.

I didn't say much. I just wanted to read my book. Like really wanted to read it. Really really. But I did have two mini conversations with the older of the two women. This is what was said.

Her: Are you here waiting for your husband?
Me: No, no husband. I'm waiting for my mother.

And after her and the the other woman were discussing their children and grandchildren I was asked this gem...

Her: Do you have children?
Me: No, no children.
Her: Oh. Are you waiting then?
Me: No, not waiting.
Her: Well then (and some sputtering as to how to phrase the question "why am I not a mother?")
Me: Well you need a man to have children and that I don't have.

And she proceeded to get awkward and uncomfortable and turn her back to me. Literally turned her back. Well at least then I could read my book.

I was there for about 4 more hours, and that woman never looked in my direction again. I did get up and move seats for the 3rd time that day and even asked the man I sat down next to "Are you going to make small talk with me? Because I just want to read my book." He replied, "No. No, I'll just read as well." Good. He was my perfect waiting room partner.

What just got my goat was this woman assuming I was married and then wondering why I had no children. I'm sure she didn't mean to be offensive and I didn't mean to make her uncomfortable. But COME ON! So many people just don't get married, have kids, and settle down right away these days. I almost wanted to tell her that I had that married/child dream and someone broke it a while back. So forgive me for being a little sensitive to the topic.

I am so much more than who I am dating or not dating and why I do or don't have kids. And it's so damn irritating when those are the first questions some one asks you. Even family members you don't see often. "So, are you seeing anyone?" Same answer as last time, "No. Going on dates but nothing is sticking." Ask me about my interests, my job, the book I'm reading, where I got my shoes, what I thought about the dumb Vikings game last night. Anything other than why I am not with husband/child.

It irked me all day. And I'm hoping this post will have gotten that irk out of my system.

I pick up my mom tomorrow. She and I will spend the evening in front of the TV. Which sounds wonderful.