Happy

One year ago Chuck and I were asleep on a nest of blankets on our apartment floor in front of the TV. I think I woke up first at about 11:58pm and nudged saying "Babe, the ball is dropping, it's midnight." Happy new year, we both mumbled and then stumbled into bed. It was an anticlimactic ending to 2011.

365 days later, I'm sitting on my couch in my childhood home which I now own, 7 middle-schoolers are upstairs making a video in ridiculous costumes and Chuck is in theory power-napping but I think he's out for the night. It doesn't seem that different, it's at home, it's fairly dull, it's reasonably quiet, but it feels like a whole new life is starting.

I own a home. Not just a home, the home I grew up in, that holds all my memories within it's walls and on one crawl space it literally has it on it's walls. (There is a spot that at some point between 1st and 3rd grade I wrote "I hate Andy" and "I love Garret" in crayon. Must've felt the need to document those emotions at the time.) The structure is the same, all the same walls form all the same rooms, but the color is new and the girls' heights are now written in the livingroom doorway.

It is such a fuzzy feeling to be here again. Mom always said she wanted me to have the house, but I thought I'd move back in when she was old and needed help. We'd both be hunched and wrinkly and wondering who was going to gripe the other one to death first. But life works in curious ways and love shows up when you least expect it. Mom's in love and in suburbia and as luck and love would have it, I'm back home.

Thanks Mom. Thank you for the house. I will never be able to say that enough to convey how grateful my family and I truly are. Thank you.

I feel like a post like this should have a list of "Things I learned" or "Greatest Accomplishments" or "Top Moments of the Year" but I'm more in awe of where my life has taken me the last 4 years and where I am at this very moment. I may not have a list to sum up the year but I do have a word; Happy. It's a great word, it sounds like what it means. Say it. You smiled at the end, didn't you? It's a smiling sort of word. And smiling's my favorite. I didn't think it was possible to love love this much.

I had hoped for a partner that not only was my equal but also pushed me farther and encouraged me continuously. And who we both still like coming home to the other. It's the best part of my day. Well that and my first cup of coffee. I didn't think someone else's children could make me feel so proud and aware of myself. I never thought I'd be in a job that I love that isn't theatre and yet 9 days out of 10, I enjoy going to work. I thought I'd be apartment dwelling my whole life. And here I am. Happy and happy some more. (You smiled reading the word, didn't you?) Happy in my heart, happy in my head, happy in daily life. Happy joyful cheery. Just like the holiday season.

I'm looking forward to this coming year. It's going to be another good one, I can feel it.

Cheers, friends. May you be happy too.

Building My Own

I made a big life decision a few months ago. I am not going to have children. Wow. I've never seen that in writing before. Is it officially official now? It's out for the world to know and judge and come back with positive or negative comments. It's real now.

Chuck doesn't want any more children. And last spring we had a "come to Jesus" talk about our future. He's attached to me, his kids are attached to me, he does not want any more children and if I sincerely do, now is the time to break ties. It sounds so cold and unemotional just written out like that, but it's just the facts of the situation.

So during this talk I cried. How do you express to someone in a moment that they are what you want, only them with all their flaws and imperfections? Well, for starters don't drink 3 glasses of wine with dinner so you'll be able to hold your shit together better when the topic comes up. Lesson learned.

So I sat in all those thoughts and emotions for about a month. I talked with some girlfriends, I cried, I thought. A lot. And I talked with some girlfriends some more. I weighed the pros and cons. Yes, I made a mental list. A list of the pros and cons of staying with him and not having my own biological children and of not being with him and all the unknowns that are out there. Floating unknowns in the abyss of the uncontrollable future.

Turns out the list with the Chuck and his girls as the heading came out the winner.

It simply came down to the question of "Would I be happier if...?" If he didn't have kids it'd be a much simpler answer. But he does. Chuck has brought into my life two amazing little girls and I get to be a part of their lives. I am the lucky one here. To think of my life without him and his children was too much, that idea made me cry more than the unknown baby that I may never carry.

In the past 24 hours my decision really hit home and I wallowed in my own heartbreak for a while. I'm never going to be a mother. That is a fresh wound and it's still very tender. Yet I know it's my own doing, it's something I was and am fully aware of. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't deserve a little nurturing from time to time.

I'm not going to be a mother to my own kids but I am building a family. I feel honored that Chuck made a decision to let me into his life. I know that as a single parent not every person you meet gets to meet your kids. I was one of those kids once. It takes a very special person to affect you enough that you allow them to meet your kids, to meet a part of your heart that is now walking around outside of your body. I am that person to a wonderful man and to his children. I get to teach them and help them grow, kiss the boo-boos, read the childhood books before bed, to pass on my own lessons and stories. I am an influence.

People may say "But what if you break up? What if you change your mind? What if what if what if?" And I get that. But if we never made a choice because we could never answer all the what if's, we'd never move on in life. Ever. Talk about a big ball of suck. Who wants to live life in the cloud of unanswerables? Not me, it seems thick and sticky with a never-ending fog.

So here I am. I just went a kissed Lily on her sleeping, warm, little forehead. Earlier I invited Kira to read with me before she went to bed. And I'll leave them a post-it note of happiness before I leave in the morning. Chuck is working on his computer at the table near me and we're going to watch the newest episode of Dexter in a bit. I don't have the title of mother but I made my own mold and I think fill it well.

Vote for my witty-ness

So I'm trying to win a contest with my witty humor. There is a car dealership near my work and their staff comes in to buy coffee every day and they all are good-looking.
They are having a contest for their next billboard. I need votes to win! To win $1000!

To vote CLICK HERE!

I just might buy you a drink if I win.

Pretty Badass

I've been wanting this tattoo for a few years now. I saved my money, checked out artists, made an appointment and last night got it done!

3 hours and lots of deep breathing later and I am in love with the new addition to my body. 

The pussy willow were my grandma's favorite flower and she gave birth to 4 children.  The pansy is my mom and the 2 children she had. The daisy is for me. And at the ankle is a rose bud and a lily bud for Chuck's daughters, Kira Rose and Lily Mabel. 

I love it so much. It has so much meaning and heart behind it. And it's so pretty!  I just wish I could get a better camera angle.  Its hard to take a picture of your own leg :-)

And be able to rotate it too. I think I need an actual photographer rather than the self-photo option on my phone. Better picture coming soon.

Fired Up!

I really wish Bill Clinton was a professor when I was in school. I totally would have actually listened had he taught Paideia.

I am so Pro-Obama. Just like I was 4 years ago.

I believe in him because he believes in us.

Ohhhhh the debates are going to be so exciting!!

I DID IT!!

My first 5K! I did it! I completed the whole thing. I ran the whole thing, I didn't walk, I didn't stop, I did it!! And in under my goal time of 35 minutes. I crossed the finish line in 33:24. I'm so damn proud of myself and I am SO going to do it again!

When I finished Chuck asked me what was next and my response was "I dunno. Do it again?!" It's in me. I like it and I'm going to keep running. Cause I'm a runner now.

This is my last push. Once I can see the finish line, I push it as hard as I can.

I'm so proud of myself. I'm framing my number that was pinned to my shirt with the quote "It never gets easier, you just get better."

You know it.

33 baby!

I moved back from New Mexico almost 4 years ago, turned 30 9 months later and made a commitment to myself that I was going to rock the 30's. And I do declare I think I'm succeeding.

New job which fits me better than I ever thought a job could.

Amazing partner that compliments me in every way possible.

And I'm finally taking care of my body. Hello running. I also haven't had fast food in over a month, (but that is also because I don't want to loose the $10 bet I have going with Chuck.) It feels great to be healthy.

Rockin' 33. And rockin' my first animal print dress.

He makes me believe in me. And in us.

Another year into my 30's and I'm loving it!