Sunday, October 28, 2012

Building My Own

I made a big life decision a few months ago. I am not going to have children. Wow. I've never seen that in writing before. Is it officially official now? It's out for the world to know and judge and come back with positive or negative comments. It's real now.

Chuck doesn't want any more children. And last spring we had a "come to Jesus" talk about our future. He's attached to me, his kids are attached to me, he does not want any more children and if I sincerely do, now is the time to break ties. It sounds so cold and unemotional just written out like that, but it's just the facts of the situation.

So during this talk I cried. How do you express to someone in a moment that they are what you want, only them with all their flaws and imperfections? Well, for starters don't drink 3 glasses of wine with dinner so you'll be able to hold your shit together better when the topic comes up. Lesson learned.

So I sat in all those thoughts and emotions for about a month. I talked with some girlfriends, I cried, I thought. A lot. And I talked with some girlfriends some more. I weighed the pros and cons. Yes, I made a mental list. A list of the pros and cons of staying with him and not having my own biological children and of not being with him and all the unknowns that are out there. Floating unknowns in the abyss of the uncontrollable future.

Turns out the list with the Chuck and his girls as the heading came out the winner.

It simply came down to the question of "Would I be happier if...?" If he didn't have kids it'd be a much simpler answer. But he does. Chuck has brought into my life two amazing little girls and I get to be a part of their lives. I am the lucky one here. To think of my life without him and his children was too much, that idea made me cry more than the unknown baby that I may never carry.

In the past 24 hours my decision really hit home and I wallowed in my own heartbreak for a while. I'm never going to be a mother. That is a fresh wound and it's still very tender. Yet I know it's my own doing, it's something I was and am fully aware of. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't deserve a little nurturing from time to time.

I'm not going to be a mother to my own kids but I am building a family. I feel honored that Chuck made a decision to let me into his life. I know that as a single parent not every person you meet gets to meet your kids. I was one of those kids once. It takes a very special person to affect you enough that you allow them to meet your kids, to meet a part of your heart that is now walking around outside of your body. I am that person to a wonderful man and to his children. I get to teach them and help them grow, kiss the boo-boos, read the childhood books before bed, to pass on my own lessons and stories. I am an influence.

People may say "But what if you break up? What if you change your mind? What if what if what if?" And I get that. But if we never made a choice because we could never answer all the what if's, we'd never move on in life. Ever. Talk about a big ball of suck. Who wants to live life in the cloud of unanswerables? Not me, it seems thick and sticky with a never-ending fog.

So here I am. I just went a kissed Lily on her sleeping, warm, little forehead. Earlier I invited Kira to read with me before she went to bed. And I'll leave them a post-it note of happiness before I leave in the morning. Chuck is working on his computer at the table near me and we're going to watch the newest episode of Dexter in a bit. I don't have the title of mother but I made my own mold and I think fill it well.

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