Monday, December 31, 2012
365 days later, I'm sitting on my couch in my childhood home which I now own, 7 middle-schoolers are upstairs making a video in ridiculous costumes and Chuck is in theory power-napping but I think he's out for the night. It doesn't seem that different, it's at home, it's fairly dull, it's reasonably quiet, but it feels like a whole new life is starting.
I own a home. Not just a home, the home I grew up in, that holds all my memories within it's walls and on one crawl space it literally has it on it's walls. (There is a spot that at some point between 1st and 3rd grade I wrote "I hate Andy" and "I love Garret" in crayon. Must've felt the need to document those emotions at the time.) The structure is the same, all the same walls form all the same rooms, but the color is new and the girls' heights are now written in the livingroom doorway.
It is such a fuzzy feeling to be here again. Mom always said she wanted me to have the house, but I thought I'd move back in when she was old and needed help. We'd both be hunched and wrinkly and wondering who was going to gripe the other one to death first. But life works in curious ways and love shows up when you least expect it. Mom's in love and in suburbia and as luck and love would have it, I'm back home.
Thanks Mom. Thank you for the house. I will never be able to say that enough to convey how grateful my family and I truly are. Thank you.
I feel like a post like this should have a list of "Things I learned" or "Greatest Accomplishments" or "Top Moments of the Year" but I'm more in awe of where my life has taken me the last 4 years and where I am at this very moment. I may not have a list to sum up the year but I do have a word; Happy. It's a great word, it sounds like what it means. Say it. You smiled at the end, didn't you? It's a smiling sort of word. And smiling's my favorite. I didn't think it was possible to love love this much.
I had hoped for a partner that not only was my equal but also pushed me farther and encouraged me continuously. And who we both still like coming home to the other. It's the best part of my day. Well that and my first cup of coffee. I didn't think someone else's children could make me feel so proud and aware of myself. I never thought I'd be in a job that I love that isn't theatre and yet 9 days out of 10, I enjoy going to work. I thought I'd be apartment dwelling my whole life. And here I am. Happy and happy some more. (You smiled reading the word, didn't you?) Happy in my heart, happy in my head, happy in daily life. Happy joyful cheery. Just like the holiday season.
I'm looking forward to this coming year. It's going to be another good one, I can feel it.
Cheers, friends. May you be happy too.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Chuck doesn't want any more children. And last spring we had a "come to Jesus" talk about our future. He's attached to me, his kids are attached to me, he does not want any more children and if I sincerely do, now is the time to break ties. It sounds so cold and unemotional just written out like that, but it's just the facts of the situation.
So during this talk I cried. How do you express to someone in a moment that they are what you want, only them with all their flaws and imperfections? Well, for starters don't drink 3 glasses of wine with dinner so you'll be able to hold your shit together better when the topic comes up. Lesson learned.
So I sat in all those thoughts and emotions for about a month. I talked with some girlfriends, I cried, I thought. A lot. And I talked with some girlfriends some more. I weighed the pros and cons. Yes, I made a mental list. A list of the pros and cons of staying with him and not having my own biological children and of not being with him and all the unknowns that are out there. Floating unknowns in the abyss of the uncontrollable future.
Turns out the list with the Chuck and his girls as the heading came out the winner.
It simply came down to the question of "Would I be happier if...?" If he didn't have kids it'd be a much simpler answer. But he does. Chuck has brought into my life two amazing little girls and I get to be a part of their lives. I am the lucky one here. To think of my life without him and his children was too much, that idea made me cry more than the unknown baby that I may never carry.
In the past 24 hours my decision really hit home and I wallowed in my own heartbreak for a while. I'm never going to be a mother. That is a fresh wound and it's still very tender. Yet I know it's my own doing, it's something I was and am fully aware of. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't deserve a little nurturing from time to time.
I'm not going to be a mother to my own kids but I am building a family. I feel honored that Chuck made a decision to let me into his life. I know that as a single parent not every person you meet gets to meet your kids. I was one of those kids once. It takes a very special person to affect you enough that you allow them to meet your kids, to meet a part of your heart that is now walking around outside of your body. I am that person to a wonderful man and to his children. I get to teach them and help them grow, kiss the boo-boos, read the childhood books before bed, to pass on my own lessons and stories. I am an influence.
People may say "But what if you break up? What if you change your mind? What if what if what if?" And I get that. But if we never made a choice because we could never answer all the what if's, we'd never move on in life. Ever. Talk about a big ball of suck. Who wants to live life in the cloud of unanswerables? Not me, it seems thick and sticky with a never-ending fog.
So here I am. I just went a kissed Lily on her sleeping, warm, little forehead. Earlier I invited Kira to read with me before she went to bed. And I'll leave them a post-it note of happiness before I leave in the morning. Chuck is working on his computer at the table near me and we're going to watch the newest episode of Dexter in a bit. I don't have the title of mother but I made my own mold and I think fill it well.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
They are having a contest for their next billboard. I need votes to win! To win $1000!
To vote CLICK HERE!
I just might buy you a drink if I win.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
I've been wanting this tattoo for a few years now. I saved my money, checked out artists, made an appointment and last night got it done!
3 hours and lots of deep breathing later and I am in love with the new addition to my body.
The pussy willow were my grandma's favorite flower and she gave birth to 4 children. The pansy is my mom and the 2 children she had. The daisy is for me. And at the ankle is a rose bud and a lily bud for Chuck's daughters, Kira Rose and Lily Mabel.
I love it so much. It has so much meaning and heart behind it. And it's so pretty! I just wish I could get a better camera angle. Its hard to take a picture of your own leg :-)
And be able to rotate it too. I think I need an actual photographer rather than the self-photo option on my phone. Better picture coming soon.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I am so Pro-Obama. Just like I was 4 years ago.
I believe in him because he believes in us.
Ohhhhh the debates are going to be so exciting!!
Monday, July 30, 2012
When I finished Chuck asked me what was next and my response was "I dunno. Do it again?!" It's in me. I like it and I'm going to keep running. Cause I'm a runner now.
I'm so proud of myself. I'm framing my number that was pinned to my shirt with the quote "It never gets easier, you just get better."
You know it.
Monday, July 23, 2012
New job which fits me better than I ever thought a job could.
Amazing partner that compliments me in every way possible.
And I'm finally taking care of my body. Hello running. I also haven't had fast food in over a month, (but that is also because I don't want to loose the $10 bet I have going with Chuck.) It feels great to be healthy.
Another year into my 30's and I'm loving it!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
I am a 5K badass.
I totally feel like this. In fact, I tend to do this exact same pose when I finish my runs.
I'm keeping track of my runs and I've done 9 in the last month. That is an average of one every 3 days. Not too shabby. In fact, for having always been someone who said she'd never run, I think that is damn impressive.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Tonight was a tough travel though. One, I didn't wait long enough after eating dinner, two, my legs are unsure of what I am doing and are having trouble understanding that I'm trying to make this my new thing. And thirdly, about half way through my last time around I got very emotional. I kept crossing paths with 2 other runners and every time we smiled at each other. I wanted to thank them, I don't think they have any idea how much their smile encourages me. And then it got hard for me to breathe because I started to get nearly teary-eyed because I'm doing something I never thought I could do. I'm running. I never thought I'd be someone that would run, that would push myself, that would say "Yes I'm going to run to that bridge" and then when I get there, I'd run past it and find a new spot to run to. I rock.
But tonight I had to really work to not let the water-works start to flow. I focused on breathing, calm, breathe, slow down, and then new target found and I was running again. I'm a runner. And I am damn proud of myself. I've found a few motivational things online that is helping me and my favorite is "Skinny girls look good in clothes, fit girls look good naked." I'm going to be fit. I'm going to run. I've done this 3 times in 7 days and I'm actually looking forward to Saturday morning when I do it again.
And in spirit of my running Check out the website for the 5K that I am running at the end of July! It's for the American Red Cross. if you'd be so kind, click the link and sponsor me! Thank you.
Man, I'm a runner and I think I like it.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
First off, this was the first book I have payed full-price for in nearly 5 years.
Secondly, this is also the first actual book I have bought that wasn't on my nook since last July. My nook has lost it's appeal at the moment for me. I have been missing actual books, being able to see how far I have read and how much more I have to go, turning a page rather than digitally moving it. Seeing the cover in my bag and then closing it tight when I have finished it and clutching to me chest with a sigh.
Thirdly, this book... what a story. (If you don't want to know what happens, stop reading.) Told from the child's point of view and yet as an adult completely understanding why he is confused and lost. He and his mother lived such a sheltered life for so many years that you really feel for them. The mother was kidnapped as a freshman in college, held captive in an air-tight shed for 7 years, raped, gave birth to 2 children (one of them stillborn) and raised the other, where we meet them when he is 5 years old. It's so touching to read how she managed to stay sane and raise a well-rounded if extremely sheltered little boy. When they escape, the author manages to capture the simplicity with which children look at something new. It either makes sense or it doesn't. He has a very hard time understanding that there is a whole world outside their room, that there is more than just him and his mother.
I can't imagine being the mother, knowing that she may never see anything she knew or loved again and yet having to raise a child with the thought process that their life was totally normal. I can't imagine being the little boy and having to discover the world at 5 years old. How would you grasp the fact that you can open a door and go through it any time you'd like after being kept in a square room your whole life? And somehow the mother for the most part maintains who she is, remembers where she came from and manages to wholeheartedly love her son. The bond between a mother and her child can be unbreakable and can also be the one thing that holds your sanity.
I couldn't put it down, I wondered throughout my day when I was going to be able to pick it up and read it again, I needed to know what was going to happen next. It was so good to find a book that grabbed me, made me feel for the characters and made me not want it to end.
Read it, it'll move you.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
That's OK, right?
I remember a little over 2 years ago I had finished a writing class and was jazzed about sending my pieces to magazines and publishers. And then I just never did. Looking back I think I was more stoked about having finished that class, something that I did just for myself with no outside advice or push. it felt good. And then I guess I just didn't have to do it anymore. Or I got lazy. Or both.
So I don't write that much these days. And it's funny, since I got a car last fall and am no longer riding the bus, I don't read that much any more either. I want to change both of those. I miss the cathartic state of writing and I miss the investment in a good plot and deep characters I get from reading. Read write read write read write. Good writers read. I need to get back to both.
Perhaps this early delivered Spring will reinvigorate me.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Spring has arrived and we have a new hangout spot. It's our balcony revamped.
It's just a little table and chairs from Target with a few lil candle holders and a few beers and we may never leave.
Happiness is a spot to sit with your partner and just be.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Only in Minnesota. And you bet your frozen butt I'll do it again next year!! Thanks to all who donated, know that your money went to a good cause and that I had a blast jumping in the water!!
Friday, March 2, 2012
This goes for everyone that I know that donated as well! I love you guys for so many reasons and the fact that you donated makes me love you much more!!
Tomorrow I PLUNGE!! All decked out in my "Frankie Says Relax" t-shirt, side-pony and lots and lots of neon! I'm going 80's, baby!
Thanks for the donations everyone!!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
And P.S. I'm now in a race to beat my boss's boss! And she's a good fundraiser!!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Please help me to plunge into the arctic and donate to the Polar Plunge, baby!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Who am I and what did someone do with the real me?! I was the girl who claimed that I didn't think anyone should run unless being chased with a knife.
But really, I am doing some serious ass kicking in the running department and I am really proud of myself! Today my new 5K record was 31:25, I shaved 56 seconds off my last time from 3 days ago. It feels really good to push myself. And you know what else? The experts were right, you work-out you feel better and you have more energy. As much as I am agreeing with them right now, I hate it when the experts are right, it's annoying.
Don't get me wrong, it's hard and it sucks and I can't breathe sometimes and I need new shoes and I would rather have someone do it for me and sometimes napping is so much more appealing and I jiggle and on and on and on. But once I'm there and I'm moving, I feel exhilarated and shocked that I'm doing this and I want to see how much farther I can go. In all aspects of the word farther, distance, time, mentally, physically.
But still, I rock.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Happy birthday, MOM! I love you!!
First I'm sure you can guess that I myself was appalled and pissed and damn right I signed the petition against them taking away their funding. In the comment part of signing I wrote something like "Cancer isn't selective why should healthcare be? It's shocking and disappointing to see that you have sunk to the pressure and taking away something that has helped so many women."
Secondly, the following video is so frank and honest, it brought tears to my eyes. This woman has more balls than I could ever hope for. She is real, she is brave and she is beautiful. I hope someone hugs her tonight. Watch the video to see pure courage.
And lastly, it makes me proud to have the views I have. To know that I'm not the only one, to know that I expect others to have the opportunities that I am given, to know that if enough people cause a commotion, we will be heard.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
So without further ado...
a great job where I fit
a partner who balances me
a home that is so cozy
more money (and I feel shallow for saying so, but there is so much more I could do if I had more money. But who doesn't?)
a new tattoo, like want really bad :)
another beach vacation
the needs for some coffee
I might keep this up, maybe in a little book for myself. It seems like a good quick way to refocus on myself. And perhaps in hopes to get my creative juices back. They are laying dormant right now. Kind of like the flowers and blossoms that will come shine in a few months.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
However, hindsight does tell a different story. What I remember may not be what actually was.
A little over a month ago my ultimate junior high crush came into work. He recognized me and I him. And I giggled to myself during our interaction because the awkward 12 year old inside me was nervous to talk to him and was stunned that he even knew who I was. But the actual 32 year old me slapped some tape on the 12 year old's mouth and turned around with his coffee and a "Good to see you! How's life?" (Which in actuality is a dumb question to someone you haven't seen in years and years. Here, let me sum up the last 20 years of my life for you in a 3 minute interaction when we both know neither of us really care.) But just like the walk through the lunchroom this evening, the emotions associated with him left me a tad speechless in a jumble of memories.
I was made fun of for wearing a Homer Hanky in my hair during the '91 World Series (I can tell you though that those bullies were eating their words when the Twins won.) A kid who was neither nice nor a gem to look at called me Misery Woman because he thought I looked like Kathy Bates in the movie Misery. I tripped up the stairs once after lunch and it was brought up for weeks after every lunch period by the same kid and loudly too. I farted once in Spanish class and it took a solid couple of minutes for the teacher to get the class back on track. I had crush after crush and was not crushable to anyone else.
Not that anyone else had a better or worse experience. Junior high sucked for many then and it probably does now for many others. But what I noticed tonight is that the kids seemed kinder (more kind?), more respectable of each other and their surroundings, more willing to learn. The school also seems to be open to different learning styles and more exciting classes than just math, English, history. There was a technology class, a civil rights class, a class that is just to help those that need extra reading attention, and all sorts of after school activities; a book club, arts and crafts, a ski club. It really made me want to go back to school.
I'm excited for K to start next year. It's going to be so fun to watch her come into her own at this school. And to remember what it was like when I was there. And to watch her attitude grow, I believe if you ask my mom I wasn't that perfect as a junior higher. I know now why my mom chaperoned my junior high dance with a sweatshirt that had the words "Body by God" printed on it, because I over-reacted so dramatically that it was fun to egg me on. I get it now, Mom. Well played.
Huh, junior high. What a messed up time that can mold us all so well.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I could explain her post but instead I'll just have you read it, Enjoying the Small Things
You're going to get all ferclemped and you're going to want to donate. It feels good. She doubled her goal from last year so I doubled my donation. I just can't resist those precious smiles!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Isn't she the sweetest?! I am a lucky lucky lady.
We, me, Chuck and the kidlets, leave notes for each over every now and then. And yes they are usually on a Magnadoodle. We're cool like that, it's how we roll. Some times on a post-it so we can take them with us if we like.
But this just made my day today. We had a GOOD weekend too. Saturday I took Special K to get feather extensions in her hair and then to spend a half hour in Claire's trying to decide which earrings went best with her new extensions. Brought me back to the hours I could spend in that tacky store, trying to find THEE coolest earrings are sassiest key-chain. Saturday night we had dinner and then a dance party that Little One started all on her own. She walked right over to the radio, turned it up, and started to shake her money maker. I got her to do the sprinkler, and the running man. Those moves are so precious on a 3 year old!!
It was just a heartfelt, fun-loving, joyous weekend. I am so luck to have found these 3