So I have a new neighbor in my building. A fat guy with a mohawk who stands outside on the front step, smoking, drinking, talking LOUDLY on his phone. And coughing. Incessantly coughing. Great.
This gomer is out there right now and I can see and hear him. I don't think he's washed his hands in days. And yes, I can see how filthy they are from my second story window. He just re-lit his stubbed out ciggarette, gross. His t-shirt has paint splatters on it that reside right on his big belly (or perhaps it's dried mayo. OK, that was a bit mean. Sorry.) But what makes this t-shirt so special is it's one of those home-made tank tops, with the sleeves cut off and really really big arm holes. So when he stretches you get all the pasty glory of his under-arm skin. Aannnddd ICK.
He's always got a beer. He's always smoking. Hey, Dude! Perhaps if you stopped drinking beer your belly would shrink and perhaps if you stopped smoking you would stop coughing. Oh and I see you shivering because you're in your fancy self made tank, but it is still winter out. Perhaps a coat? Just a few ideas for you.
And just so you know, people in this building talk (and blog) so maybe you should have your phone conversation inside in your apartment so that everyone who lives on the courtyard side of the building won't know all your dirty gossip.
*AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER: Yes I do sit on the stoop and talk. And yes I drink beer. And yes I dress in my grubbies from time to time. But I also don't do it on a daily basis, in the middle of winter, by myself. And loudly. And yes I do realize that when I piss and moan and bitch about my neighbors, half of it is about how loud they are. Me. Complaining about someone being loud. HELLO?! I'm loud. So this has to tell you how loud my neighbors are. I need to move.
You can't move because your neighbors are hilarious and I want to hear more!
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