So last night I watched a movie called Every Little Step. It was a documentary about the making of the musical A Chorus Line. How the show came to be in the first place, and then the casting of the revival which went up some time in the last few years. If you love theatre especially musical theatre, it's a great documentary to watch.
The people auditioning for the cast of the revival had something that I don't know if I've ever had inside me. A passion for something so deep that they were willing to risk it all for this one dream. I was impressed with their determination. And the ones with the gumption and the talent made it into the show on Broadway.
I remember being little and being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a nurse like my mom and my grandma. But one day when I was about 10 or 12 I went to work briefly with my mom and it occurred to me what she actually did, and I quickly changed my mind. Then some time between 5th grade when I played the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz and high school when I got really bitten by the "theatre bug", I decided I wanted to be an actress. Then in college that dream then morphed into a lighting designer for a small theatre company.
And I haven't done any of that. I did tour with a theatre company but have grown tired of the bitter business that is theatre. It is like constantly being in junior high, with complaints and drama and gossip and not taking responsibility for what is yours. Plus it's hard to have a stable life while looking for a job every few months.
And if I could create a theatre company with the people I know who have the same desire to put on shows like I do, then I'd be set. (A few friends and I started talking about it a few years ago. If it ever happens, we will be Third Star Productions.)
I am in a job that I enjoy and am quite happy in my life. But that passion that was in these determined actors was something that I'm not sure exists in me. Do I want anything enough to risk all that I have to get it? Or are my dreams not as big as theirs?
I wrote out a Bucket List once. And just pulled it up on my computer. Nothing on that list involves giving up something to achieve that one dream. I wanted to work for a theatre company. Check. I wanted to live in another state. Check. I want to drive all of Route 66. I want to go to Italy. I want to publish a book. I want go to the Baseball Hall of Fame and the Louve. Go to Machu Pichu. See a game at Wrigle Field.
Perhaps I just have many little dreams, rather than just one big dream. I guess that is better because once you've achieved that one big dream, then what? I have a bunch of things to attain in my life.