Monday, January 4, 2010

Don't they usually charge you for stuff like this?

So the neighbor hating has come to a whole new level.

Nutty the Neighbor across the way I think has been building a fort in the last week or so. For several days I heard her banging away in her place. Like the sounds one hears when someone is hammering in a nail - "bangbangbangbang" silence for a moment or few, then "bangbangbangbang" again. For an unaccounted amount of time. But surely enough for me to think "What's she doing?" And there has been an armoire in the hallway, along with a chair, and now that chair has another chair keeping it company. Taking what I know of her and her thinking that the bad thoughts are coming into her apartment and also hearing her stand in the hallway and say the Miranda Rights to everyone in the building, I think she's building a fort. Would make sense, in her nonsense world.

But lately I'll take 5 Nuttys in comparison to the Stipper above me. I hate her. Her, the New York Yankees and Sarah Palin. And that's it. And you have to be pretty bad to get in the same category as Sarah Palin. That is some serious hate.

I was woken up by her, yes AGAIN, on New Years morning. She was having sex. And I didn't hear bed springs or furniture moving or some Marvin Gaye playing. I heard her. Think Sally from When Harry Met Sally, that scene where she fakes an orgasm in the restaurant. Seriously, if you haven't seen it do so, it's classic. And the Stripper goes on and on for 15 to 20 minutes. Constant screaming.

And (sorry Family, but) I've had good sex and nothing is that good. When things are that good, there are no words. Silence is golden. I understand that you may want to moan to the world about how great it is, but a moan or three. Not 15 minutes, like I got to listen to. I've also wanted to scream but tend to have lived where others are around and know to keep my mouth shut. Or who knows what others would be blogging about me!

At least she could jazz it up for me. Throw in some dirty words, some action phrases, some nick names, give me something worth listening to. Instead I just get the standard "Oh yes, oh god yes yes yes." Bla bla bla. I think she has taken too many cues from bad porn videos. And I think she's faking it.

So as a reaction to Sreamy Von SexStar above me, I decided to tell her. Thanks to some advice from my mom and a friend from my building. I thought her note over so much that I remember exactly what I wrote.

"So, not only can I hear your music and your continuous pacing in heels. But now I can hear you having sex. Not the action, you. Every single word. (those 3 were underlined) Once again, can you please keep it down? Thank you, Your Downstairs Neighbor"

And I slid the note under her door. The next day she was silent. I have heard her since, but not nearly at any volume she was at before. I'm hoping that the embarrassing fact I heard her is enough to make her think twice about screaming during sex. Knowing what I know of her, she will never look me in the face again.

And believe me, if I am woken up by her nasty porn fake screams again, I will go up and bang on her door, mid-coitus, and bust up that heart-break hotel she is living in.

1 comment:

  1. Know what you mean about neighbors and that fake sex thing.
    I lived in an appartment next to a girl who when having sex would moan exactly 5 times then shout "oh my god", moan 4 times throw in 2 more "oh my gods" and then go back to the 5 moans... my friends and i would sit there laughing counting the moans to see which faze of the fake she was in or if she would change it up a little..she never did.
    Anyway.. nice blog.. hope your neighbor stops faking and you get some peace