Sunday, January 25, 2009

My neighbors

People amaze me. Or maybe I should say people make me wonder. I've already mentioned the stripper who lives upstairs. (Who, by the way, I had to go tell her to turn her music down at 2:30 in the morning last night. Seriously, it's common sense to have "quiet time" during the wee hours of the night.) But the girl who lives across the hall from me, wow is she a character.

I have been woken up in the morning by her screaming. I opened my door because I thought someone was going to get physically hurt and I hear her on the phone with some guy named Paul. I only know his name because she mentioned it but also she had the phone on speaker so I was lucky enough to hear both sides of the conversation. Apparently she is having money troubles. And these troubles send her into hysterics. Her voice gets all high and really loud and her sentences run on about her finances. And Paul stayed nice and calm on the phone, refusing to give in, and refusing to join the hysteria. And believe me I stood right in my door way and listened. If you are going to be loud enough to wake me up and dumb enough to have the other person on speaker so we know exactly what you are talking about, we all have the right to eavesdrop.

Now, you are probably thinking what would I do if someone did that to me? See the last sentence of the above paragraph.

I have had another run in with Nutty from across the hall. A few days ago I was home sick and napping and again she woke me up but this time she was singing. I like singing, so I wanted to know what tune she had choosen. (Warning, what I am going to quote here is for mature audiences only.) This is what I heard coming from behind closed doors but no doubt from her mouth "Shit, piss, cock sucker, mother fucker, twat." And so on and so on. She would pause and then sing-song these words "I fucked your mom." I was so shocked I had to tell someone. So I called my mom. Mom has been briefed in Nutty's behavior before and I thought she'd get a kick out of it.

This is where it gets interesting. While on the phone with my mom, I step out into the hall to see if I can hear more so mom can hear it over the phone for herself. And Nutty opens her door. I casually turn and go back into my place. (Note to self, if you want to eavesdrop on your neighbors don't do it where they can be aware of it.) And not less than a minute later there is a knock on my door. I hang up the phone, put on my robe, take a deep breath and open the door. She is tiny, dark haired, dressed in a ripped t-shirt and flannel pants and she has a crazed glint in her eye. "Hi. My name is Grace and I figured I should introduce myself." she says in full voice whilst thrusting her hand out to meet mine. I shake it and say hello. She continues on with she doesn't mean to offend me, she tries to keep her noise to the daylight hours, doesn't party late at night, and she just figured she should introduce herself. I respond with "What you do doesn't offend me. But I can hear everything you say." At that point she seemed to get flustered and didn't know what to do or say. She said something about thin walls, that she hoped I had a nice day, and then turned and left. I think she was embarrassed mostly. I never gave her my name.

Lessons learned here, one must be sneaky when eavesdropping on ones neighbors and if you are going to broadcast your dirty lyrics or your financial woes you may want to do it in your "indoor voice."

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