Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Caution, part of my heart is on the table

I was reading in bed earlier, fell asleep and woke up when the book fell and hit my face. Nice. After shutting off my light, rolling over onto my side, and holding a little pillow against my chest, I was wide awake again. Damnit. And here I am putting up another mid-night blog.

I was going to go sit outside and blog about what I see and hear on my stoop after 11 at night. But after grabbing my sweat shirt and my computer I get outside and realize it's raining. Oops. Well not really raining, it's more like little droplets fall and maybe one lands on your face. (Which by the way, I really really really wish it would rain. We need it so badly!) I just didn't want to sit on the wet ground.

So back inside I go.

I've been sitting in my head a lot lately. I like that phrase, sitting in my head. I got that from my ex, he used it and I thought it was clever. I don't think I've ever typed those words before, my ex. It's weird. I've said it but I surely have never stated it on here. And now that those words have been put down, I'll just state that that is where my mind has been sitting lately. And geez is it annoying.

It's been over a year since I felt us falling apart. And it's been almost 10 months since I have been home. And somewhere in between the two since he and I ended. Yet I think about him and the situation more often than I would ever like to admit. I have so many questions that will never get answered. I wonder if he's happy, if he got his degree that he set out to do before we even met, I think about the good times before everything went south, I wonder if he wonders about me.

I never thought I'd write about it here. But I'm now doing it in hopes that it will help me let it go. I wrote in my personal journal (yes I also have a book that I write in, more personal than I will ever get on here, and much more pissy and moany than I will subject anyone to) but I wrote that I needed to turn the page. Hell, I needed to pick up another book.

I have jumped several hurdles when it comes to ending that relationship and moving on, but this last one... This last hurdle that I'm not sure even has a name, is taller than I had expected and much harder to get over. I am just hoping that this hurdle won't hurt as much as the others.

Run, jump over it, and keep my eyes and heart looking forward.

Whew. This one is a big piece of me.


  1. I absolutely love your heart! Thank you for sharing it.



  2. Sitting in my head definitely a nice phrase!

  3. I love the turning the page part. We keep reading and making our stories but is difficult, if not impossible, not to revisit some pages in that story. The secret, I think, is to see it, appreciate it for what it taught you and all the good things it brought and then return to the present part of the story. After all, stories always continue on and if you are looking backward instead of forward, you will miss it. Good for you, Sarah, for being willing to not miss your story.

  4. Thanks Juls!

    And thanks Mom! I love you.

  5. Thanks for letting us in your heart, Pretty.

    Painful things often take longer for our hearts to heal than we'd like or think is logically necessary. "Be with yourself" (my favorite and necessary mantra) in whatever space you're in now - that helps the past dissolve in the present.

    Smooches on your bravery and willingness to at least hear the words in your head :)

  6. That line reminds me of an old John Prine song, Donald And Lydia: "There were spaces between Donald and whatever he said strangrs had forced him to live in his head."

    You've got a wonderful point of view. Please keep sharing with us.